something i’ve always known about myself is that i like sad things. not in the way that i’m sadistic and enjoy inflicting pain upon others. rather in the way that i have a strange attraction towards novels, sad films, sad poetry and other sad immaterial things.
at many times of my life i have found myself reading a sad novel, crying my eyes out and then hugging it to sleep. devastated by its completion, i will then turn around and read it again, a million times over.
and i fall in love with its pain all over again. i fall in love with the characters as i live vicariously through them and hurt as they do, enjoying every moment. that is the kind of crazy person i am.
i do admit that it is easy for me to become teary at the faint twang of fictional sadness. i know this side of myself very well as i struggle to be in touch with it as often as i am able. because their stories can only devastate me for a little while before the calamity passes, and during that little while nothing else exists.
sure, i love humour and wit and charm and a fairytale ending that i will probably scoff at, but it means nothing to me without feeling, and feeling means nothing without pain.
so as i struggle to possess the most beautifully devastating component of the human condition in my mind, i find myself falling into a deeper mystery. is it because i do not have any of these things that i cherish them so much? or is it because i can relate to them so well that i feel every part of their pain?
obviously i’d rather it be neither. i do not see myself as the time traveller’s wife, or the lonely old man that reads a whole novel over and over again in order to spend five minutes with his wife. however, i can’t say that my life is so overly joyous that this is the only way in which i can experience pain.
it’s just an addiction, like drugs and life. it’s my heroin. one day it will surely destroy me.
and one day they will surely make up a name for my condition, like the shopaholics, chocaholics and whateveraholics before me.
hi, my name is liz and i’m an lives-vicariously-through-fiction-to-experience-pain-aholic.
applause and welcome please.