soundtrack: the tv in the background // thoughts: of tomorrow
i am beginning to become anxious.
unlike everyone else i know, i wasn’t anxious last night. this was because i knew i wasn’t going to check my bands and scaled marks on BOS. everyone else has been talking about it. i honestly have no fucking clue how i did. i didn’t check because i didn’t want to have expectations. whether my bands were high or low, i would have had an expectation for my UAI, and i would have thought about it, went to the UAI calculator, mulled over it and fretted. i wasn’t about to bring that upon myself.
but now, i’m anxious, just like everyone else.
my mum called me when she got home to ask me how i went. if you knew anything about the relationship i have with my mother, you won’t be surprised that i hung up on her. when i got home my dad came in to ask me how i went. he stood next to my bed rather awkwardly, since he’s never really had a great way with words. so i helpfully told him that he wouldn’t find what he was looking for, because i knew he was after a two digit number and not how i really went, and sent him on his way.
i hate it. even though they won’t admit it, everyone is going to be recording the details in their heads. they’re going to compare everyone to themselves, whether they did better or worse, better or worse than expected.
and more than anything i hate that i’ll be a part of it.