when it`s all gone .
soundtrack: the crazy wind outside // thoughts: are appalling
i am appalled at the fact that my room isn’t any cleaner, even after disposing of notes for all my subjects except for extension history. actually, i’m even more appalled by how many pretty books i’ve used up for maths. i never realised i did so much maths. i don’t know how that happened.
tomorrow is my last exam. i’m already jumping for joy, and i know it’s premature, but i can’t help it. even though i should be studying for history extension (as i practically slept through all of the lessons, no joke), i’ve found myself sleeping about 16-18 hours yesterday and today. i’m just so tired, i just decide to go to sleep. i guess studying in bed doesn’t really help either.
i think i might be anemic. actually, i’m willing to bet that i am. but as if i’d go to the doctor.
i’ve come to the conclusion that i’d never, ever go to the doctor. i’d rather live completely oblivious to my fate, and die rather suddenly. if i had cancer or something, i’d rather not know.
the thing is, those people who fight for their lives are very brave and admirable, but i don’t think i’d be able to do the same. i don’t think i could live through numerous scans and therapies, and continually hope that i’d make it out alive. but don’t get me wrong, i think its great that there are people out there that can fight for their lives and live through chemo. i just don’t have that kind of strength within me; it’s not something i’d be willing to go through.
and you know what (sorry if i offend anyone), but i think the concept of heaven is terrible. i would hate to realise when my life has ended how much i regret. i would hate to be able to remember my past and realise that i had time to correct my actions, but didn’t. i’d rather it all just disappear. why the fuck would you want to rise to a fantastic place when you’ve already done the real living, and as much living as you ever could?
and purgatory? oh please. nothing is worth suffering that shit.
it’s easier just to move on.