so . . .
soundtrack: sirens // thoughts: still calm
trials are gay. i have no motivation, i tell myself that i will work, but i end up sleeping instead. passion –> determination –> motivation –> perseverance –> practice –> success (apparently). faint desire doesn’t seem to lead to anything.
the problem is this: i know what i want and i know how to get it. i want communications and media studies at UTS for about 95.05 and i can get it if i start working my lazy arse off beginning now. but i’m not working. i’m not as stressed as anyone around me is, i’m still online even though the people from my school on msn has dropped by at least half, and i’m not studying. this is the only thing i can actually see myself doing for the rest of my life (apart from that trophy wife business) and i’m not even trying to get it!…
i don’t want a day job where i sit in a little cubicle and think about numbers. i don’t even want a job where i read over people’s cases and sue the living daylights out of the bastards that give people shit. that’s what everyone else wants because they idealise these professions. i want chaos. i want a life where i’m running around, working overnight to meet deadlines and writing something someone will read. brutal honesty or complete bullshit. i don’t even care if it’s going to be a section the editor tells me i have to write in, like the obituary column. that’s where i see myself, or at least want to see myself. if i keep going at this rate, i’ll never get there.
and then i think, so what. so what if i don’t turn out like everyone expects. what does it change?
nothing. and everything.
i just want to be able to work for something i want. for once.