weeds .

everybody is growing up.

i never thought i’d come to a point in my life where everyone was so free. it’s so weird. i forget what it was like to not be allowed to do something. to not be allowed to stay out. to not be given extra money for lunch. but i always had plenty of money for lunch.

i don’t remember the feeling of anger and frustration directed towards my parents when they said no.

i can’t seem to relive those feelings and the thoughts that crossed my mind. those issues all seem so trivial now. does that even happen anymore?

immigration .

you kids that still live with your parents take it shit foregranted.

i realised this today as i lay in my bed pondering all the material possessions i could afford. which is, actually, not very much.

i remember the days when i wanted a laptop and i could afford to buy a laptop. i wanted a new phone and i could afford to buy a new phone. i didn’t have to worry about whether buying something worth a couple of grand would kill the rest of my rent and food money for a couple of months.

i was pondering the purchase of a new laptop when the realisation that if i did, i would be all but bereft of… well, everything.

careers ?

i met a journalist today. he was kind of scruffy looking, a little worn around the edges, but had this crazy sense of confidence and an wicked sense of humour. he didn’t dress like someone with cash to spare, but when i asked him, he told me that he loved what he did, and that sealed the deal for me.

i remember that week in year 10 when i decided i wanted to become a journalist. it was raining all fucking week, and i followed the photographers and writers of a local newspaper around to different places, stepping in puddles and freezing to death the whole time.

it was a good week.

% .

a sigh of relief just escaped my body. i don’t have anything to do until semester exams. which is in a month.

party time? hardly.

i start work at vodafone a week from today. it should be interesting, and hopefully it will earn me a lot of commission, but i’m also a little apprehensive. in the mail two days ago i received a 3kg package full of all the documents i had to read and sign. when i pulled it out i almost fell over. that’s how crazy it is. throughout the papers there were tabs that exclaimed “SIGN HERE!” which made me feel like i was signing divorce papers like they do in the movies.

anniversary .

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY to my blog!

can you believe that i’ve been blogging continuously for a year?! how crazy is that. obviously i have way too much to say.

maybe my attention span isn’t as short as i thought it was; maybe i don’t get bored too easily. maybe i underestimate myself. hopefully.

or maybe i just like bitching to the world about my life. i’m not quite sure. but i hope i will be blogging here for many years to come. we can have a birthday party every year, just you and me and the rest of the internet.

spades and hearts .

throughout our lives, we humans have fought one true battle, one huge battle. the battle that has been written about more than any other battle in history. and no, it is not the war in iraq. it is the battle between the mind and the heart.

why do we all fight this battle? do our hearts really tell us things that the mind disagrees with? and why, then, must our wants from the mind and the heart be different, if we are the same person seeking the same ideals?

i confess that i will usually go with my mind, rather than my heart. i’m a thinker, and i think things through before i go through with them. but there are many people that ignore their mind, their consciousness and the ideals the world has created. they follow their hearts.

quicksand .

i think explosm is down. either that or i can’t access it through my proxy server as well as the normal one. i’m devastated. i love explosm. i wish i had been given warning that it would happen. hold that thought though.

i’ve been watching a lot of one tree hill lately since i’ve been sick, and right now it’s all about people dying and moving on. they all want warning. in real life, we’d probably want warning too, if our loved ones were about to die. fair warning, that’s all.

i’m trying to think of all the things i’d do differently if i knew someone was going to die tomorrow. obviously it varies with who the person is, but there has to be something. because if you’d want to do it for the reason that they’re not going to be there anymore, it still means you want to do it, and there has to be a reason for that. i’m sure everyone has it.

anxiety .

soundtrack: the tv in the background // thoughts: of tomorrow

i am beginning to become anxious.

unlike everyone else i know, i wasn’t anxious last night. this was because i knew i wasn’t going to check my bands and scaled marks on BOS. everyone else has been talking about it. i honestly have no fucking clue how i did. i didn’t check because i didn’t want to have expectations. whether my bands were high or low, i would have had an expectation for my UAI, and i would have thought about it, went to the UAI calculator, mulled over it and fretted. i wasn’t about to bring that upon myself.

but now, i’m anxious, just like everyone else.