lizi –

soundtrack: bullets; erick right // thoughts: of a lazy feeling

woke up about an hour ago so decided not to go out. trying to be productive, but felt like blogging instead. it’s halfway through the year. twenty something weeks or so until the hsc.

i’m beginning to get scared.

it never mattered as much to me before, but seeing everyone so serious is kinda shitting me. according to josephine alibrandi, the year of the hsc is where one’s whole future can skyrocket or go through the toilet. but i’ve spent my last five years trying to disprove this statement and i don’t want to start believing it now.

the thing is, there are things i want. i’m sure everyone wants something. but it’s getting hammered into my brain that if i don’t do well this year i’m not getting any of it. which i don’t want to believe. but how else am i going to get there? after thriteen years of school which has supposedly built up to this moment, what else am i supposed to think, but ‘oh shit. this is it.’

and so, (i know some of you don’t believe me) but i’m trying to try. yet trying is hard after years of cruising due to the belief that in the end it will all amount to nothing. trying is hard because you have to put yourself on the ledge before you can cross it. and i don’t want to get on that ledge, because i haven’t been bothered to build a fence.