lizi –

soundtrack: life; loyd // thoughts: a myriad of complications

many strange ideas occurred to me today. we’re probably very familiar with the idea of truth, justice, law and stuff due to overexposure through the media, but because we’re in year 12 everyone is starting to ask us to reconsider. add all the controversy that’s been happening and you have yourself a brainful of stuff to contemplate.

first things first. today i learnt that when the british convicts got to australia the men came off the boats and built stuff while the women stayed on, even after months of confined sea travel. you might think i’m going to start talking about womens liberation and rights, but that’s not it. what was amazing is that when the women came off the boats there was lots of rape and a massive orgy. how come i wasn’t taught that until now? and how many people knew that?

secondly, just as the idea of truth becomes even more hazy to me i remember courtcases where there are two versions of the truth and a jury gathered admist all sorts of selectiveness. apparently if you look like a gangster you’re not fit to judge whether someone is guilty of a crime, but if you’re middle-aged and wear a tie, consider yourself a part of the privileged elite. in addition to this awful prejudice there is the fact that a lawyer is hired to portray your ‘truth’ at the angle he/she thinks best suits your case, or rather will get you off easier. i used to want to be a lawyer, you know, but if i wanted to feed people shit i’d rather go into advertising.

last, and definitely least, is the fact that everyone has started talking about our formal. my friends in particular have already decided to get something called a hummer limo (sp?) in which they will roll on the fur carpet, drink champagne and arrive fashionably late to what they deem as the most important event of their lives apart from their wedding. needless to say, i looked on with much despair at their exitement. it’s april, or to be fair it’s may  tomorrow. the formal is in november. do you know what happens between now and november? i also heard that a girl who remains unnamed in our school has asked a boy to the formal which is happening in november. the very thought makes me shudder. what if you don’t like him in six months time?  what if you find out that he’s actually a dickhead? but hey, at least she won’t be alone for the rest of her life.

/end rant

the handsome prince on a white horse is not longer the ideal man in modern times. nowadays, the best thing a girl could have is someone rich, successful and hardworking. big house, nice cars, exotic holidays; that’s what life’s all about.

of course, the essentials remain the same; the prince was probably the wealthiest chip on the block, and becoming a princess allows a girl to have anything she wants. it’s just that the idealised version had been scrapped, and replaced with a modern, materialistic and superficial version of love. no one minds, though, because we’ve all evolved into sophisticated people.

so i sit here, looking at a balding man in a grey suit, flaunting myself in hope that he’ll come over and buy me a drink. a woman once told me that this is the club the elites come to, so i quickly secured myself a bar stool. i saw him get out of a jaguar. cinderella may not be interested, but i sure am.
i smile, cross and uncross my legs and flick my long blonde hair in his direction, all the while pretending that i have something more interesting to look at. it’s so easy to capture the attention of a man, but so hard to hold it. women today are at a loss, because what she wants in her life can be interpreted in so many ways. i hope this guy just wants a trophy wife, not like some men who feel the need for an independent woman.

i turn a little to get another glimpse of him in an attempt to fit him in either category. and i see something that devastates me. he has a woman. they smile at each other as she kisses him hello, and i glare. time to pick another target.

the truths i’ve learnt :

_____________ that sometimes you repeat your mistakes

_____________ that a perfect world can’t be perfect

_____________ that he will always see what he wants to see

_____________ that you can type the first letter of your process to find it

_____________ that there is no truth

_____________ that she likes your hair when it’s soft and fluffy and not geled up

_____________ that there are no unbreakable promises

_____________ that pi radians is a hundred and eighty degrees

_____________ that he sometimes forgets his regrets

_____________ that eventually she learns to keep quiet

_____________ that you can never like someone just the way they are

soundtrack: paper ruffling and furious writing // thoughts: about food

i am at state, attempting to write the first draft of my major work. i am also extremely hungry, but i know if i leave to buy food i will never return. it’s amazing how well i know myself, really.

i feel good about sitting here though, even though i’m typing a blog on my laptop. i know i’ve made an effort. which is more than i can say for other people. actually, i lie. a few good days out of a million bad ones is worth it, is it not? it’s just a shame that i’m having a good day by myself with my only human contact being over msn. but hey, at least nothing shitty is happening.

school starts in a few days, which marks the beginning of the second half of this year. there’s still so much i haven’t done, and even more that i can’t do. i seriously don’t believe any of my english/history teachers when they say that i will be able to write an 8 paged essay in 1 hour by hsc. it is improbable. it is more than improbable; impossible.

soundtrack: bullets; erick right // thoughts: of a lazy feeling

woke up about an hour ago so decided not to go out. trying to be productive, but felt like blogging instead. it’s halfway through the year. twenty something weeks or so until the hsc.

i’m beginning to get scared.

it never mattered as much to me before, but seeing everyone so serious is kinda shitting me. according to josephine alibrandi, the year of the hsc is where one’s whole future can skyrocket or go through the toilet. but i’ve spent my last five years trying to disprove this statement and i don’t want to start believing it now.

the thing is, there are things i want. i’m sure everyone wants something. but it’s getting hammered into my brain that if i don’t do well this year i’m not getting any of it. which i don’t want to believe. but how else am i going to get there? after thriteen years of school which has supposedly built up to this moment, what else am i supposed to think, but ‘oh shit. this is it.’

and so, (i know some of you don’t believe me) but i’m trying to try. yet trying is hard after years of cruising due to the belief that in the end it will all amount to nothing. trying is hard because you have to put yourself on the ledge before you can cross it. and i don’t want to get on that ledge, because i haven’t been bothered to build a fence.

soundtrack: everything from Q & taio cruz // thoughts: of things i wish i didn’t know

is it weird, to find out something you don’t want to know? like you realise knowing it will kill you a little bit, but the curiosity is overpowering? almost as if you can’t help it. you read on.

curiosity. i try my hardest never to give in, whereas all around me people keep asking questions; who, what, when, where, why, how… they all want to know. and i don’t want them to know that i, too, want to know. it’s better to seem as if you don’t care; don’t give in, don’t give up. it’ll kill a cat.

he’ll never realise how much he once meant to me, because he always thought i meant more. he’ll never realise that i couldn’t stand his pain, because he always believed it was my annoyance. he’ll never talk to me again, because it’s all about pride. he’ll never understand the way i felt, because he was so caught up in his own feelings. he’ll never see himself the way i once saw him, because he’s changed so much. he’ll never imagine the awkward moments of us meeting like i have, because he has another world now.

he’ll never believe my lamentation.

because it doesn’t matter at all.

soundtrack: the word maybe in my head // thoughts: of the past